I'm Dating Trust

This last week has involved a lot of self-reflection-no more than my usual heaping amount-but it has also involved the smallest bit of letting go.  Last Wednesday, I ventured outside of my comfort zone and did something that 5 years ago me wouldn’t have placed much value in, or much credit in, for that matter.

After leaving the hour long session, I felt overwhelmed but also felt a huge wave of relief.  In the hour long session I participated in, I was able to have a light shone on my belief systems, my patterns, my habits and my thoughts, all from an outsider’s perspective-someone who didn’t know me before the moment I walked in the door to her office.  Sometimes (most times) I get so muddled up in trying to figure out who I am that I can’t really get any sense.  I can at times, be my own biggest and frustrating mystery, so to have someone else shed some light on why I am engaging in the behaviours that I am and subscribing to the belief systems that I do, was liberating to say the least.

The session and what was shared in that hour also left me giving myself permission to take myself off the proverbial hook, which I am realizing I have strung myself up on for far too long.  In getting a better understanding of what is currently going on, and tracing some of those patterns back throughout my personal history, I was (and continue to be) able to regard myself with some desperately needed compassion, love and forgiveness which is HUGE for me.  As cliche as it sounds it was an incredibly transformative experience, and I’m hopeful that by incorporating more sessions into my life, it will provide a needed beacon to help guide my way through recovery and healing.  As transformative and enlightening as it was, I’m pretty sure I pulled this expression a number of times, as I repeatedly thought to myself “how does she KNOW that????”

I’ve never been much for religion, or spirituality for that matter.  I was raised Catholic, and I remember attending church every Sunday, during my childhood.  It never did much for me though.  I didn’t connect with the messages, and most of the experience of going to church and attending both a Catholic elementary and high school didn’t enrich my life.  As I moved into young adulthood, any sense of a higher being-whether that was God, The Universe or a more under-stated concept of connectivity and oneness-simply weren’t a part of my belief system.  I don’t remember it being so much of a conscious decision, as it just wasn’t something I subscribed to.

In moving through this current journey of healing and recovery, and slowly allowing myself to be more open, I am learning that there can be a profound place for some type of spirituality in one’s life.  I’ve been subscribing more and more to various meditations, and have been absorbing quite a bit of Deepak Chopra’s work and through this, am learning about connectivity and consciousness.  And The Universe.  Capital T, capital U.

Throughout much of the last 10 years, I believed I was making my own way through my life.  Sometimes I made great decisions, and at other times I made less fortunate ones.  As the amount of hardships and challenges have stacked up, especially over these last 3 years, I simply attributed it to bad luck.  It seemed to me to be one thing after another, and within the last 6 months I noticed that my ability to continue to plow through them, just to get through them, was diminishing.

In March I began thinking that it was now too much.  I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.  I couldn’t keep up.  This was, pretty much, EXACTLY how I was feeling by the end of March, 2017:

Some 6 months on, I am beginning to understand though that choice is a truth-one of the messages that really resonated with me during last week’s session was that I need to be more mindful of how I allow others and their energies to effect me.

While I have the ability to exercise choice,  there are also certain things that have been laid out FOR me.  Not by me.  As a big fan of control, I have always assumed that I can control everything in my life.   I’ve never really taken into account the idea or notion that there are other influencers at work.  That I’m not completely on my own here.

I think the big take-away that I had from my session last Wednesday was trust.  I am still trying to shift my perspective and beliefs and methods of being, but last Wednesday opened me up to the idea of trusting.  Trusting that everything that has happened to date has happened for a reason.  Trusting that the changes I am going through at present, and will continue to go through are going to bring about new and better things.  Trusting that everything will, actually be great.  Maybe even awesome.  It’s a very slow process, but I am learning to let go of my incessant need to control outcomes.  To control plans.  To control my feelings and thoughts.

It’s an odd feeling, but one that I trust is doing me a world of good.  I feel like me and Trust are slowly becoming the best of friends.

With Love,

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Olivia Shaw

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