I want to go back though, and reiterate that the above statement does not necessarily imply that there has been a lack of movement or momentum in the last 2 months and even in the last two and a half years. I was able to leave a job I knew was not a good fit back in February of this year. It took a lot of knocks for me to be able to finally recognize the poor fit, but I eventually got the lesson I needed to learn.
I was also able to recognize the signs of burnout earlier in the spring and made some decisions for the benefit of my own well-being.
The last two months though have in essence, been a pause of sorts as I have tried to figure some things out, and learn some more hard truths about myself.
The difference I feel now is similar to the feeling I get when I am able to hit my stride when I am running. Regardless of whether I have been running consistently or whether my running has been more sporadic, I always find the first 20 minutes of a run to be the toughest. It is during those 20 minutes that my mind tries to convince the rest of me to stop. It is during those 20 minutes where my body can’t quite figure out what is going on. It is during those 20 minutes where my breathing is hardest.
The Awkward Yeti
When I pass the 20 minute mark, however, it feels as though things click like the pieces of a puzzle. My pace evens out to one that is not only comfortable for me, but also carries a slight challenge with it. My breathing balances out. It is at this point where I sometimes feel as though I can run forever. I get my momentum.
While I wouldn’t say I have reached the figurative 20 minute mark in my personal journey, I feel I am nearing it.
The last two months, while restorative for certain, have also been filled with doubt and uncertainty. I have great moments of lucidity and clarity where I know I am on the right path, but they are matched with moments where I am not sure of what I am doing, or if I am making any great strides.
More recently, the moments of doubt have lessened and lessened, and the voice of uncertainty that I have carried with me always, seems to have been diminished down to a whisper.
Hyperbole and a Half
If I am to be honest, in March when everything really fell apart, there were so many external influences that were affecting me and because they were external, I wasn’t really certain when I would start to feel well again. There was my parents’ health crisis. The break in a relationship that was so dear to me. The new job and trying to find my way and my footing in that.
I am beginning to realize now that my own personal footing, or anchor during those various events was pretty non-existent.
I find myself now, without any of the markers or identifiers of success that I once held onto as indicators that I was doing life right.
I have begun to establish some healthy boundaries within my close familial relationships. There was a time when I thought my family or rather my relationship to them was one of the most important things I could maintain. I’ve now come to realize that while I love my family tremendously, they are not my rock.
I have also been, up until 2 weeks ago, jobless for the last 2 months. Even a year ago, I would have thought the prospect of being unemployed would have been indicative of the approaching apocalypse. Much to my surprise, being unemployed (albeit with a plan and purpose) has not brought about my demise.
While the dynamics of my former relationship have shifted-I now count my then partner as one of my best friends-the relationship has grown and developed into one that has an incredible amount of love and deep-seeded respect at its core, and I am incredibly grateful for that.
I’m chalking this noticeable shift in momentum up to the passage of time. I admittedly haven’t been the most patient participant, and there have been a lot of instances that have involved tears, worry and second-guessing, but I am revelling in the change that I feel.
My sleep has slowly begun to improve. My energy levels are increasing. My sense of motivation for positive change is also tangible, after being dormant for a long time.
I feel genuinely optimistic and hopeful and it’s wonderful.