We simply have to understand ourselves better and activate the parts of us that make our lives rich, colourful, connected and meaningful. I won’t pretend the journey to knowing oneself is an easy one. In consciously deciding to take the reins of your life and ride off in a new direction, you’re going to find yourself (at first anyway) on a bumpy, uncomfortable road.” Brendon Burchard, The Charged Life
I have always thought I’ve been a relatively balanced person, from an emotional perspective.
That thought was disintegrated in a pool of unending tears this past weekend. Last Monday, I went for a second session with Nathalie. We worked on a few things, and within the first 10 minutes or so, Nathalie suggested a chakra clearing/opening session as she was, I believe picking up on a few significant blockages.
After the clearing/opening session, Nathalie told me that I would likely feel a bit of a noticeable shift within a few days. From my understanding, it sounded like it would be similar to a light-bulb moment when I could expect some clarity on a few things that I have been struggling with.
I went through the remainder of last week, feeling pretty normal right up until Saturday morning. I woke up, feeling like my usual self and managed to log a run in on my treadmill. As I was about to step in the shower, a flood of tears suddenly descended on me. I had a good cry-one of those cries that consume your entire body, and then it stopped.
Then started again. And again, and again. This continued all the way through to late Sunday afternoon. Nearly 2 full days of incessant tears.
As Saturday continued, and it became apparent that the tears were not an isolated incident, I tried to reason with myself and come up with an explanation or a story for why they were so easily flowing. I’m coming up to that time of the month, and while I usually am a bit more moody and irritable, I’ve never gone through long sweeps of being intensely emotional. Nothing that has crippled me for a solid day, with the exception of bad cramps which I am occasionally susceptible to.
I then turned to the next possibility that could have explained the tears. Ian is leaving, in just over a month to head down to Mexico. As of the 26th of November, he’s gone indefinitely. No plans of a return date. Our friendship and the dynamic of it will shift inevitably, and while Ian has been on an excited count-down streak since July, I have been nervously anticipating the date, with a fair dose of dread thrown in.
In my first session with Nathalie, she touched on what I was, and am feeling about Ian’s upcoming departure, and suggested that I try to initiate the grieving process-grieve for the change in the relationship, and ultimately, let go. I’ve been haphazardly working on that idea since. I say haphazardly because anyone who knows me even a little, knows how hard I struggle with letting go. Letting go of people, letting go of things. Letting go of memories. Letting go of emotions. Letting go of control.
Nevertheless, it is something I have been working on. The effectiveness of my work has yet to be seen, but I do know that now I can actually engage in a conversation with Ian about his leaving, and not dissolve into a mess of ugly crying. I know when I see him off at the airport, I’ll likely shed tears, but I have grown more comfortable and at ease with the idea of his leaving.
A few weeks ago when The Sweden Option came up for me, I enjoyed a solo and quiet inner celebration as I realized after some three days of researching, that I had entertained the option of Sweden without thinking of or considering Ian. Or anyone else for that matter.
So, in short, I soon realized that the tears that were coming fast on Saturday and Sunday were not being shed for Ian, or as a result of my feelings about his leaving.
As I was unable to attach an explanation or a story to my tears, I did what is so typical of me and I grew incredibly frustrated with myself. I had no reason to be crying as much as I was. PMS has never been that intense for me. I am okay with Ian leaving. The world was not ending.
So why could I not stop crying?
I went and got some junk food to eat that night, as I half heartedly resigned myself to the emotional messy state I was in, and ended up crawling into bed super early only to get out of bed, some two hours later and bawl my eyes out. Again. I was exhausted-physically and emotionally. My eyes were burning after a full day of crying. My mind was not happy knowing that it had been unable to attach a story to the tears.
Sunday morning, to my dismay I woke up feeling just as lousy as I had when I went to bed Saturday night. I managed to make myself a cup of tea, and then unsure as to what I wanted to do, I opted for a return to bed. Something I never do.
I tossed and turned for a while, fighting off the lump in my throat which was signifying a return of the tears.
And then I clued in. Sort of. I remembered that Nathalie had said a few days after our session, I would experience a noticeable shift. It occurred to me that perhaps the torrent of tears I had been experiencing for the last 24 hours were a part of that shift. I emailed Nathalie, in a bit of a panic asking if my highly intense and sensitive emotional state was perhaps a part of the process.
As I said earlier, I’m really bad at letting go. I cling to things so tightly. I don’t want to forget. I don’t want people to leave.
I’m also equally weak when it comes to letting go of emotions and thoughts. I’m becoming more and more aware and appreciative that I have stored and pushed down and suppressed a lot of things for a good 20 years. There is a lot stored down there, in my heart. Even when I think of my rape, that alone would warrant a week’s worth of tears and anger and fear, at least. And I did none of that, after it happened some 6 years ago. I quietly resumed my routines and structures, and tucked it away deep down never to mention it again until earlier this summer.
I am also, not the greatest when it comes to sitting in my emotions. If they make me even remotely uncomfortable I am likely to push them down and distract myself until they subside.
One of the primary centres where Nathalie noticed a significant block was in my heart chakra. My heart has been the holding place for a lot of unreleased emotions. As Ian helped me to further understand yesterday, it is not only fear, anger and sadness that I have kept bottled there, but joy and happiness and celebration-three really positive emotions, but admittedly emotions which I rarely let myself fully feel.
The mess and deluge of tears over the course of two days was likely a mix of a wide range of 20 year old things, finally coming out. I know that the likelihood of my releasing 20 years of emotions in entirety over two days alone is not very probable, but I feel more encouraged now that when I do experience a welling-up of something that it is probably in my best interest to release it. As Nathalie reinforced, I need to release it without judgement and resistance. And I need to release it with love. For myself.
Nathalie suggested that what my heart is ultimately trying to get me to hear at the moment is that I need to put myself first-love myself first before anyone else. I’ve never done that before. I’ve always put someone else above and before myself. I’ve put the happiness, time and worth of others before my own. I’m so afraid of wasting the time of those around me, or making others wait, but as Nathalie pointed out to me on Monday I have little difficulty in doing that to myself.
Up to this moment, I have been living my life for others. Not with a generous altruistic nature; more so because I have not subscribed to the idea that I AM worth living my life. That I can grow and fill what I am learning is a significant void within my centre that I desperately look to others to fill.
I joked with Ian a week or so ago, that he has made me want to be a better person since I have known him, and in so doing, he’s messed up my life. I’ve become more open to making changes in my life that aren’t necessarily easy to make but will make me, I believe, a better person for having done so.
Likewise, as I began the process of getting to know myself better and ultimately BEcome better some 8 months ago I had no idea how heart-breaking and difficult a struggle the process would be. I’ve always striven to be a better person. I try to be kind and compassionate towards others. I recycle. I drive my car only when it is necessary and walk the other times when it is possible.
Before March of this year, those were some of my markers for what it took to be a better person. Somewhere though in the last 8 months, I’ve turned a corner. Going back or reverting to the person I was pre-March 2017 isn’t an option any longer. I think I knew that on some level, when I started on this path. Again though I had no idea how difficult it would be, to really get to know myself much better on a far deeper level than I ever would have anticipated. Interestingly, Ian sent me the following excerpt (some of which I referenced at the start of this post) earlier today, from Brendon Burchard’s The Charged Life. I think it sums up what I am currently experiencing pretty succinctly.
The Charged Life, the truly lived life, is not a routine existence in some quiet, picturesque village of safety and certainty. No, the life worth living is out there in the wooded wilds of the unknown, on the craggy battlefields that test our wits and wills in the daily fights with our own demons. It is found during the long onward slog through the storms and strife when we hear only the whispers and taunts of foes and opponents stronger than we, on the ground where we are knocked sprawling and forced to face our own weaknesses, and on the mountain tops that we reach only because we painted our every ounce of virtue, strength, character, and courage to keep climbing no matter the slings and arrows flying at our backs or the barriers thrown up before us.
It is out there that we come face-to-face with the best in ourselves and with our destiny. It is out there in a new world of uncertainty and adventure that we push ourselves, better ourselves, realize ourselves. It is only in the herculean quest for something more that life fills us with wisdom and meaning, but only after we have paid with our sweat and at times our tears. It is in the marching on when we are tired and weak and fearful and in the camaraderie of those fellow warriors we have striven with-our brothers and sisters and family and friends who cheered us on and toiled with us despite the messiness and apparent madness of it all.
It is out there on the path less travelled, an uncharted path chosen by each of us alone, an often meandering overgrown path that leads only to another unpaved road or open fields of opportunity where we must strike out once more with the same hope for victory and transcendence. It is out there when we have the guts to stand naked before the world as who we truly are when we peer into to the souls of those around us and finally see in them the image of the divine that we plunge ourselves bravely and unconditionally into love that has no bottom or boundary. It is out there outside the confines of our comforts and the pleasures of our accumulations, beyond our architecture of the routine, that we slip the bonds of our limiting beliefs, sore magnificently above our own shortcomings and express our highest selves. It is out there in a world rich with choice and challenge and fear and freedom that your greatest gifts and adventures await you. Listen. It is out there that destiny calls. Be bold and ready yourself. It is time to charge once again. Brendon Burchard